Here I am, forced to slow down enough to write a post because of being sick. My fever is about 102F now, even with maximum doses of Tylenol and Aleve. So please pardon any nonsensical delirium that follows. I’ve already fixed four horribly misspelled words so far, so this may not end well, but here I go.
Why does everything have to erode and decay and get old?! I mean, I know WHY (the Fall of all falls in the Garden of Eden), but… Ugh! It’s so… It’s just so… so… WRONG.
Where is all this coming from? Glad you asked.
First, one of my best friends has cancer again, after defeating it about four years ago. She’s only 40. Her husband and 10-year-old are having rough time. I want to be there to walk with her through this (I couldn’t last time and it’s kind of haunted me because I don’t want to be thought of as a fair weather friend), but for one reason or another (travel and missed calls and whatnot–on both sides of the equation), I haven’t been able to talk to her in weeks. I’m about to pull my hair out because of it, and have to keep trying to give the situation to God. Still working on that.
This week, my husband’s dog, Caspian X (“the Tenth”) went back to the vet for x-rays.
We (along with the vet) thought he’d pulled a muscle or done some tendon damage in his knee. But it looks like cancer. The vet took a plug out of his leg bone and he’s been crying every night and half the day because it hurts, even on pain meds. The pooch’s pain pulls at my heart. He’s a gentle, fluffy teddy bear and is a really good dog. We’ll find out this week whether or not it’s cancer and if it is, how bad it is.
Friday I started coughing a little bit, then went to the doctor for an appointment to look at other stuff. Turns out a sprained knee, plantar fasciitis in my arch, and the return of migraines are all issues. There are certain types of pain that hurt like crazy, but can be mentally dealt with. Knee, foot, and the kind of migraines I have are deal-able. Yes, I thought to myself, getting old really stinks.I guess I’ll just gain wisdom from the experiences these things bring into my life. Everything will be okay eventually because I belong to God.
And then (drumroll, please)…
This Saturday I woke up coughing and with a fever and have had one ever since (It’s Sunday afternoon now). Not sick to my stomach (whew! ’cause I can’t stand that), just super, super achy in my joints and spine, cold, sweaty, thirsty, shaking, and miserable. My husband says his “Lyme senses are tingling”. He’s had it before (as has our daughter and all three dogs). He’ll take me to the doctor tomorrow, bless him! But it really, really hurts, and it’ll continue to hurt for a while yet. Caspian and I are commiserating together while Brian and The Girl are out shopping after they went to church earlier.
Life can be rough.
Entropy. Decay. Evil. They all exist.
What I’m having to deal right now with is nothing, nothing, compared to what many others experience, let me make that clear.
It still feels big to me to be in pain in my heart and my body. At times like this, I get to choose. I can shake my fist at the world and life (and maybe even God), or I can shut my mouth and open my spirit to God and let Him love me through this. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year and a half, it’s that God’s ways are definitely not our ways, and that our eternal well being is way more important to Him than our temporal. It makes sense, if you think about our being made for forever.
Okay. Heavy stuff over.
Here’s a sweet story to end with. Early this morning, way before anyone else in the house was awake, after I wore myself out from just showering and was barely able to finish dressing, I cried because I didn’t have the arm strength to brush my hair. Brian got up out of bed and very gently brushed out my hair for me and held me for a few minutes. (You may now commence with the “Awww”s.) Brian could not have had greater love at that moment than to sacrifice his very precious sleep (he’s still recovering from health issues) in order to do that. Love that man!Update: Brian took me to the 24/7 clinic the afternoon after I wrote this because I was so miserable. The doctor thinks it’s Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, another kind of tick-borne disease. Fun times.